Terrible Tantrums

Parenting Together with Linda Russell and Frances Byatt Smith

Toddler Tantrums    

by Linda Russell 

Temper tantrums are the norm in most children during their second year of life.  Tantrums are normally brought on through simpe frustration. Toddlers can understand far more than they can express, so as their language skills improve their temper tantrums should decrease.
Equally, your emerging toddler wants to rule the world, and they often don’t want any help. "I can do it myself" or "I want it now" will become a familiar wail in your household. Saying no or just waiting a moment could be the trigger for a tantrum.

Avoiding tantrums.

1. Distraction: Most toddlers have a short attention span. Take them out of the room, offer an alternative or just say something really random, like "Oh look, there's a cow flying in the sky." Then you can spend time looking for the flying cow.

2. Attention: A lot of children will throw a tantrum when they become fed up fighting for attention – and mummy or daddy getting cross is a great way of getting loads of attention. Don’t push their limits too far and give them attention before they demand it. Let them out of the buggy every now and then. Interact with them – "Can you see…" or "lets go and find...". Make them fel special with little kisses and smiles. Have a drink and snack ready when you are out and about.

3. Control: Let your little one have some control over certain situations – remember this is the stage when they are looking for a little independence.
Ask if they want water or orange. Do you want to wear wellies or shoes? Do you want to wear your jumper or your coat?
Don’t flood them with choices, as too much choice can confuse them.  If they push the two choices on offer, say firmly "If you don’t choose by the time I count to five, I will have to choose for you."

4. Yes and No: Don’t say no just for the sake of saying no. Is your child's request so outrageous it demands a no, or is it just easier for you to say no?
You may say no to something because you're rushing to do the school run, or you may say no because you're watching your favourite soap opera on TV: ask yourself why you are saying no.
A constant no will result in a temper tantrum.

5. Limits: Know your child’s limits –if it's bed time, don’t decide to get them to help tidy away their toys.
If it is nearly meal time, don’t rush off to the shops. A tired, hungry toddler is a temper tantrum waiting to happen.

Dealing with tantrums.

1. Keep cool. A frustrated parent will just fuel the situation. Take a deep breath, count to 10 and then decide how you are going to deal with things.

2. Don't shout, smack or shake your child. This can scare them and the situation will quickly become out of control. Equally, you'll be sending the message out that if you can’t get your own way then physical punishment is ok. Children learn from example.

3. Ignore the tantrum. In most situations tantrums are best ignored. Make sure your child cannot  harm themselves in any way and then just sit it out, continuing what your were doing before the tantrum blew up. Never leave your toddler alone while they are having a tantrum, as you do not want them to feel abandoned. Most toddlers are already frightened at the strength of their emotions. If the tantrum happens when you are out, take yourselves to somewhere a little quieter, make sure they can’t hurt themselves and again just sit and wait until the tantrum passes.

4. Respect: Don't laugh at or make fun of your child while they are having a tantrum – they are out of control by the time they have reached screaming point.  You may want to say, "I can see you're very cross. I will just sit here until you have finished and then we will have a cuddle."

After the tantrum.

When your child has finished screaming they will be hot and sweaty. Offer a cuddle and maybe a small drink. Don’t dwell on the tantrum, move on.
Be consistent in how you deal with every tantrum. If your child always has a tantrum in the sweetie aisle, never give into him "just the once", as your toddler will remember and will keep pushing and pushing you in the hope that you will eventually give in.
If your child then asks why he could not do or have what ever provoked the tantrum, explain why  then let the subject drop.
When you get home don’t let your child hear you berating him in front of any other grown-ups for being so silly – the moment has passed.

Linda Russell  (picture of Linda)
t: 01313171270   m:07919114211
e:parentcoachstudio@hotmail.com  
w:parentcoachingstudio.co.uk

And it's not just toddlers...

by France Byatt-Smith 

Children experience anger, a complex emotion, as they encounter the normal frustrations, struggles, confusions and disappointments of growing up. Each child has a different temperament and for some children the experience of frustration may be more intense.  These children tend to become angrier more quickly.  Other children who may be less sensitive are less prone to intense frustration and anger. Thinking about a child's unique temperament will help to understand and manage their anger.  Discovering the underlying causes of anger is essential because we need to deal with the source of the anger, as well as the response to it.
Here are some ideas you might find helpful:

Look for the source of the anger: Observing the triggers, such as tiredness, hunger, losing or not being picked in team sports or experiencing difficulty with school work or peers is a good place to start. Be aware also of displaced anger, which may be when something happens at school and the child contains the anger until they get home and then takes it out on a sibling over something minor.

Find the right time to talk:  The things that make us angry can be both things we can do something about and things we can't do anything about, so talking to children about their  outbursts helps to figure out what makes them angry and what can be worked at and changed.   Experiment with different times, either during or after the outburst, to find out what works best for you and your child. There are a number of emotions experienced before we feel anger, e.g. sadness, frustration, rejection, hurt, confusion or fear. Exploring the underlying emotions by saying something like "I'm wondering how you were feeling before you hit your brother," and sharing how you know when you are stressed will help children understand that our bodies tell us when we are about to lose control. You need to try to recognise the triggers and accept that it’s OK to feel angry, but it's better to deal with it by first calming down so that the feelings causing it can be talked out instead of acted out.

Explore ways of expressing anger and other feelings. "It looks like you are feeling really upset right now. I can't let you hit/scream/swear like that, but I can help you to work out what else you can do to express your feelings." Children learn from family, friends and from the media.  Limiting access to violent and aggressive media images will help younger children. Discussing them with older children is important if we want them to learn positive coping strategies. One calming technique that is helpful for all ages of children and adults is the following breathing exercise:

Start by talking with the child about feelings when they are angry and how to get calm and keep control.
1.    Tell yourself “Stop and take a look around”
2.    Tell yourself to "keep calm"
3.    Take a deep breath through your nose while you count to five; hold it while you count to two, then breath out through your mouth while you count to five.
4.    Repeat these steps until you feel calm.
(M.Elias &J. Clabby, Social Decision Making skills. Centre for Applied Psychology, Rutgers University, 1989)

Frances Byatt-Smith RN RHV BA (Hons) Psychology,    www.theparentcentre.co.uk